wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
