I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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