me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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