when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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