I wanna passion pit in your ass
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
