You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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