I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
