you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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