this beer tastes like vomit already
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
