i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We left the knife in your bed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
