I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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