Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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