You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
