I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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