my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
