Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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