I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
