My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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