my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
