This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
