I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
