the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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