Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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