seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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