You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
