Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
