Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
