so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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