i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
