Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
