OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
