i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
