i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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