I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
