I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
