I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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