can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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