im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
