You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be