oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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