There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
