He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
