I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
