You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
