If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
