this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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