I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
