when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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