omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
