i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Randomize
