i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
