I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.