I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
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What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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