i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
