I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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