why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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