i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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