I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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